The older we become and the more dating we do, the greater the possibility that we and our partners will have ex-spouses, ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends.
As a therapist, I?m beginning to see a trend toward people feeling emotionally threatened by ?the ex.?
This phenomenon isn?t going away.
In fact, the only way around it is to embrace it.
I?m not suggesting you befriend your entire list of exes or become shopping or drinking buddies with your current partner?s most recent ex. However, practicing some ground rules, setting boundaries and being honest with your feelings could maintain sanity in your present relationship as well as the separation from past relationships.
Not all exes are the same, of course, and certain historical relationships require different attention. Let?s review ground rules for different types of ex-partners.
Ex-spouse. Communication with ex-spouses may be necessary in cases where there is unfinished business ? financial issues, joint business or property and especially children (two- or four-legged). Co-parenting is important for the children?s well-being and managing logistics and schedules. Biological parents should attempt a village approach to child-rearing that focuses less on the relationships among caregivers and more on the common goal of supporting the children.
Remember logic over emotion here and be aware of what behaviors you are modeling to children.
Ex-boyfriend/Ex-girlfriend. Maintaining a friendship with ex-partners can be healthy as long as your current partner is your emotional priority. To prevent problems, outline specific boundaries and expectations between you and your ex. Be honest and communicate effectively with everybody involved.? This includes social networking sites.
If you continue to have unresolved emotions towards your ex or your partner?s ex, it most likely requires attention and problem-solving. Unresolved issues can cause problems in current and future relationships
If you feel your current partner continues to feel threatened by your ex-spouse or ex-partner, communicate your feelings and your desire to resolve it.
Ex-affair. If you have been cheated on in the past, assess whether you have moved beyond it. This includes ending all interaction and communication with the person. Unresolved cheating issues can haunt current and future relationships by promoting feelings of insecurity, which can manifest themselves in snooping, erecting emotional walls and making unfounded accusations.
If cheating has occurred in the current relationship, communicate openly and set boundaries in order to resolve concerns and re-establish trust. The partner in the affair should have no access to your current relationship, including via social networking sites.
If insecurities related to cheating aren?t decreasing with time, couples therapy could help.
If you identify with feelings of unresolved insecurity, first identify whether it?s your gut trying to tell you something about your current partner or that these insecurities are ?emotional baggage? you are projecting into the relationship. Many things can contribute to insecurities, including your parents? relationship, low self-esteem, a history of being cheated on, unresolved past relationships and jealousy. ?These issues can be successfully resolved in therapy, either individually or as a couple.
In general, relationships don?t have room for jealousy or competition. Be honest with yourself if these exist and work on resolving them.
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Source: http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/2012/02/21/the-ex-factor-in-relationships/
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